Not sure why this has me so annoyed this morning, but here it is, anyway. Have you heard the new song by Jordin Sparks? It’s called “I Am Woman.” And it’s crap. But here, listen for yourself.

Bad, right? It gets worse. Here’s the lyrics:

It ain’t easy walkin’ in stilettos
But somebody gotta do it
Spend a day in my shoes
Then see what the hell I go through
It’s so rigorous
Doing what I do
Always on point
Always on cue
Life’s so hectic
Call it a zoo
Think you understand
If you only knew

I am (I am) woman (woman)
I am (I am) woman (woman)
I’m a woman
I’m a woman
Yes I am
Ain’t nobody else can do it like we can
Said I am (I am) woman (woman)
I am (I am) woman (woman)
I’m a woman
I’m a woman
Yes I am
Ain’t nobody else can do it quite like we can

My first thought? No, Miss Sparks, you are mistaken. No one has to wear stilettos. Women choose to because they think they make them look sexy. But they wear them by choice, not by mandate. Perhaps if you really want to sing an anthem for women, you might want to go with something like this:

Women wearing sneakers and flats
Look just fine ‘cuz we’re all that
Wearing stilettos, look like a whore
Make me do that, I’ll show you the door

Yeah. I know. I’m no songwriter. But really, people, this song is bad. Terrible bad. Like, Beyonce’s new “Girls Run The World” bad.

You’ve been warned.

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